Alone

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It’s my first weekend alone. Not my very first of course – although you might be surprised to know how very few nights alone I have had in my life. I know I was. I’ve never lived alone, you see. At times I considered it, but it just never seemed economically viable, so I always shared my accommodation with other adults. And then over the last 14 years I shared my space with the Bear and our children.

So, now the children are staying with their father, and I am alone. I walk outside to get my journal. The moonlight blankets the landscape like frost. A summer frost. It is late for me, after 10pm. After 12 months of waking up at 4:30am or earlier, my bedtime has grown correspondingly earlier as well. But I am not so hungry for alone time anymore, and it has been noted that being ratshit at 8pm isn’t particularly useful or necessary. Especially since the kids have got a good half hour or more of awake time left after that in these long summer nights.

So I am going to bed a little later and getting up a little later as well – and really, 5:30am is a much more reasonable time. While it is still before sunrise, the sky is lightened by its touch. In other words, it’s not pitch black, and I can actually see the path when I walk to my office.

So it’s just me. I don’t really know how I feel about it yet. I think I’m waiting for my emotions to coalesce into one or at most two nicely identified emotions, but the reality is quite different. I experience the full gamut of every emotion it seems, all day long. Take today:

  1. 5:30 a.m. I walk through mist and pearly skies with my black dog.
  2. Go to much loved local festive market early and alone (but not lonely let me tell you).
  3. Buy a perfect pair of black halter neck swimmers, boy leg, sooo cheap and many, many herbs and plants for my garden.
  4. Eat a huge organic doughnut while listening to funky ethereal music.
  5. Swim at the beach on my way home in my new swimmers and have a shower to wash the salt off.
  6. Come home to a cool, quiet, clean house – and a load of new sand in the sand pit.

This was a good morning, and I felt free and happy, strong, independent and brave.

Then there’s these ones:

  1. I catch a glimpse of my face in a mirror at the markets and see it all spotted from rosacea brought on by stress and think sadly, poor face.
  2. I run into a mutual friend at the beach with his kids. He asks me honestly how I am and asks if he can hug me. I nearly cry.
  3. The afternoon stretches on, hot and empty. I wonder if this is all my life will be now – dry and empty of life and love. Surprisingly, this thought does not fill me with great joy.
  4. I am confused and uncertain – what have I done? Is this the right choice?
  5. I am angry and resentful – it wasn’t in my life plan to be a single mother living in a tiny rural village. How dare this happen?
  6. I over analyse – when I am happy I feel guilty, and when I am sad I feel confused, and when I am angry I tell myself to shush.

Emotions flit past me, brushing me with their butterfly wings, but they seem reluctant to land. So maybe I’ll just sit here a while, long enough for those emotions to settle, and no matter what it is, I will let it sit with me a while, without judgement. You know?

Earth Mother  Artist: Cola Smith

Earth Mother
Artist: Cola Smith

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15 thoughts on “Alone

  1. Hi Sara, I have just read your last few posts. Gosh I’m sending you positive vibes for where you are in your life right now. I was sad to hear about Bear but you have to do what you need to do and NOBODY can judge that. Keep writing…it is beautiful, sad but the right thing for you. Lots of love – Lakshmi x

    • Thanks Anyes – yes I changed it when I started blogging again – I felt I had left it so long I had to transform it in someway! I appreciate your energy and strength, and indeed will probably have need of it today xo

  2. Kara-Leah Grant

    Hey Sara,

    You haven’t said explicably, but I guessed from the last few posts that you and Bear might be heading towards separation. I wish I lived closer and we could go out for coffee or take swim in the river and ponder the mysteries of life. Who ever plans to end up a single parent? How do these things happen? What now? Will life always be like this? Is there ever ease? Like you, I have no answers to anything and find life a relentless rollarcoaster of up and down. You articulate it beautifully in this article. And maybe that’s all we can ever do – be honest with ourselves at what’s happening, and sit with it, being kind and compassion and loving.

    Sending much love and a big hug from New Zealand,

    Kara-Leah

    • Hi Kara-Leah, we would have much to say to each other i would think :) I am smiling as I imagine a coffee and a swim with you. My partner and I have separated only this week, and although it was my suggestion, it was not an easy one. It was never my intention to be a single mother; in fact, having come from a single parent family (until i was 8) it was my intention NOT to be a single parent. Ah, the Universe is wicked sometimes. So, I am just, as you say, trying to be as honest as I can with myself about how I feel about it. Thank you for your support, i appreciate it xo

  3. Sara, I feel like I got lost and found the wrong place. You stopped blogging for a while (at that point, I was totally following and things were very different!), then WordPress stopped sending me post for 2 weeks, and I’ve been quite ill since mid-December. Pow! I get the last few posts and so much has changed. I’ll have to go back and read more.

    I really understand what you’re going through… I’ve been married 27 years this Feb, together for more than 30 years. Last year we separated for 8 mths. I haven’t blogged about it, it was too personal and too raw… it was a really hard time. I asked for it, like you, but learned a lot about me and us and so many other things, during those 8 mths. We have worked really hard to heal this marriage… to save it. It has not been easy, and MANY times, I really thought it was hopeless. I felt SO hopeless, frankly. Now, I feel more hopeful than I have in years. We still have a lot to work on, but I see hope.

    Whatever your path, I hope you find peace, and clarity. I’m glad you’re back. My image of the swimming hole and your life has shifted, but I know you are strong and will figure “it” out. Hugs.

    • I know, sorry. my blog looks completely different now, and i know i was away. i was writing in other ways, but i felt like i needed to write here again.
      Wow Dawn. you separated for 8 months and got back together? your marriage must be worth it. i had lost faith and hope, which is why i did what i did. but…it seemed to be what was needed. It woke the sleeping bear up. So, I’m just watching, and doing my own learning around taking responsibility, being alone and enjoying a sense of increased freedom, flexibility and a house that only i am in charge of – with everything that comes with it. hope is so important isn’t it? it’s not until you have it again that you realise that a relationship without it is all but dead. Thank you so much for sharing something so personal with me. i really appreciate it xoxo

      • You should know, Sarah, i had a sleeping bear to wake as well. From your posts (older), I think we share similar situations. A great deal of the noticing and work had to come form the other side; I was already working hard. But I had become so disillusioned, hopeless, sad… I really thought it would never work.Truly. I did not see our marriage as worth it anymore. But, like you, I also had always thought I would not end up a single parent, a single woman… I wanted to change that. So, I was patient, I looked inward, as he began to wake up and really work… then, we started working together. It was truly humbling to find out that there were things I needed to own… I really had become a victim, in my own mind. Justifiably, to be honest… but the wake up was good for both of us, and for our marriage… it’s not a done deal, but we’ve come a long way! I hope the same for you, whatever the outcome. xo

      • Thank you. i think people like us – faithful, hopeful, truthful people – have to be pushed a long way and for a long time before we stop being these things. And when we lose faith and hope, well, it truly feels like the end. but i guess sometimes things need to be broken right down before something better can be built – it can’t be done in-house. I am sure i will discover unpleasant things about myself, no doubt, and no doubt i’ll be writing about those things as well!

      • I wish you a gentle, healing journey. It’s a hard place to be, no doubt about it. But if you are open to all that might come from it, the end game might be very surprising than what you might envision it right now. You be well, also!

  4. “So maybe I’ll just sit here a while, long enough for those emotions to settle, and no matter what it is, I will let it sit with me a while, without judgement.” –> Too often I think we try to deny what we feel or push those feelings away so I think this is such a wise and beautiful sentiment, albeit a painful one sometimes.

    Obviously, you’ve been through a lot and there’s not much else for me to say other than I’m sending you good vibes and positive energy to get through this week. Love and hugs.

    • thank you Lillian. you’re right, we do tend to push feelings away, or at least i know i do. i tend to be a bit of an emotional rationalist :) Thank you for your good vibes and energy, i really appreciate it xo

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