So, if the first 10 days of my 40 days of my Heart Opening Practice were about opening Pandora’s Box and the next 10 days were about receiving clarity and insights…then I wonder what the third 10 days will be? Maybe…this is where I get to put it all into practice. Sadly, this is not as fun as it sounds 😉
Days 19-21: Following straight on from my realisation of how I misdirect my unexpressed anger at my friends and community members onto my family, the Universe sends me a scenario to test my new awareness. All my buttons are pushed and my values are threatened by the actions of a friend and community member. I am pissed off, offended and outraged. What to do? Normally I would still be all of those things, but because she is a good friend of mine, I would put the friendship before my feelings and deal with it by venting to my partner, rationalising it, trying to understand it from her point of view, sucking up what I could – and anything that was left over would spill over on to my family. That option was off the table this time though – I wanted to be emotionally honest as well as precise. I won’t bore you with the details, but suffice to say, this conflict extended over three days, and caused me so much worry, doubt and angst that I was reminded why I had studiously avoided this kind of conflict for the last 38 years of my life :). Eventually I said to the Universe: If you ever want me to do this again, it needs to end well.
Days 22-23: The conflict with my friend dies down, and I am able to let go of (most) of my anger. I know this is much quicker than I would be able to let it go if I hadn’t expressed my anger to the right person at the right time. My energy shifts back to an even keel, and my practice continues.
Days 24-25: It’s the dark moon before the virgo new moon. I’m feeling stiff and sore in my neck, shoulders and thoracic area, so I scale back each asana to 1 minute and do a longer yoga sequence in the afternoon, focusing on my neck and shoulders. I have been religiously doing the heart sequence in the morning as soon as I get up, before I have any time to argue with myself about whether I should do it or not. However, because I’m sore, and because I want to spend a bit more time on the mat, I shift it to the afternoon. It seems though, that no matter how much (or little) yoga I do, I am still sore. I feel sluggish and doubtful, although I don’t entertain the doubt. I know it’s there; I don’t need to invite it in for dinner if you know what I mean. I am contemplating the role of service in my life, although not in a particularly positive way :).
Day 26: We have moved out of the dark moon period and into the new moon (and not a moment too soon!). I am still sore, but I feel better within myself, much more positive and action oriented. Today I want everything I do to reflect my desire to serve the higher good, not my own ego. When I work like this, I feel so satisfied and like I’m contributing to a better world. I wrote a separate post here on my thoughts about service, when it works and when it doesn’t.
Days 27-30: Unfortunately, the positive energy from the day before disappears overnight, and the next few days are pretty dismal. I’m in a lot of pain, my sleep is being disturbed, and I’m waking up at 3am, tired but wired. By 6pm I’m exhausted, but as all mothers know, the day can’t finish there: there is dinner to be prepared, showers to be had and the whole shenanigans around bed time to be gotten through. I’m starting to get really ratty and frayed around the edges. To make things worse, the Bear is upset with me because I’m not paying him enough attention (or something like that – I don’t know for sure). Misery! I’m having huge resistance to the heart practice, I’m feeling really stuck and I’ve lost faith in the whole process. Secretly, I wonder what the point is: I’m making no progress – and indeed I’m going backwards if anything. I keep doing it anyway, because that’s what a commitment is all about.
Day 31: I wake up again at 3am, exhausted. My neck and shoulders feel like I’m wearing a yoke, or shoulder armour, creating a feeling of pain, stiffness, tightness and pressure.
It’s Sunday morning: it was a big, fun day yesterday, what with a yoga workshop and a visit from my brother and his family, and this day promises to be another big, fun day with a visit to a local riverside festival and dinner with my parents and my brother before he leaves. By the time I get to Mum’s house in the mid-afternoon, I feel on the point of collapse. Everything hurts, I am so tired, the Bear is still silently angry with me, and I’m so over it all. Mum runs me a hot epsom salts bath and I sink into it gratefully. I close my eyes and just breathe. And finally, finally I get the message:
I need to clear my throat chakra so that all the energy I am shifting from my heart has got somewhere to go – at the moment, I am like a pressure cooker that has been building up steam, but not opening the relief valve!
The relief of knowing what the problem is – and knowing that I can actually do something to fix myself is gold. Onwards!
So, my plan is to clear and open the throat chakra using yoga (asanas, chanting, visualisation, meditation), crystals and colour. I’ve done some research and found a gorgeous throat chakra opening sequence which I’m adding to my daily yoga practice after I do the heart kriya. I’ll let you know how I go!